Sexual assault will not always look violent, but will always be violent. In fact, sexual assault will most of the time not look violent at all. It takes a lot of strength (both emotional and physical), presence of mind and bravery, to react adequately to sexual assault. The adequate reaction can vary from a slap in the face or other physical manifestations to a scream, a police report, or even the use of a weapon. When the victim does not possess those qualities, which is the case most of the time, they will endure the assault, waiting for a chance to escape without bigger consequences, out of fear of escalation of violence and social and emotional discomfort and trauma.
Our civilization has conditioned us to think that it is normal for the male to do the first move and the more passionate the move, the more romantic it will be. Well, this needs to change. Because it is not only not true, but, worse: it still feels true. The victim of a sexual assault may have been so deeply conditioned to believe that gross lie that they might even feel some kind of pleasure during the assault, despite being deeply hurt and traumatized.
I have no knowledge on how it deploys in other configurations and this is not a scientific paper, so please excuse me for talking only about the configuration I know from experience: the male on female assault.
Dear male assailants, when the female is avoiding your kiss, pushing away your hand, telling you even in the most delicate and gentle tone to stop, please start listening to her. She is not playing hard to get. If she did want you, she would show it to you without you assaulting her. She might even eventually take your kiss, even kiss back out of fear or hoping that that way the assault will end sooner, but it will still be an assault. She might even let you do more and even reciprocate your advances, but it will still be an assault, because it started as an assault.
Because our civilization was created mostly on male rules of conduct, most of you male assailants will not even realize that you are assailants. This letter is hoping to be a step in you realizing that. Please, be gentle. Please, be careful.
This is not a game. And it is not romantic or exciting.
